Incirlik under zombie attack; undead wreak havoc on base

  • Published
  • By Staff Sgt. Kali L. Gradishar
  • 39th Air Base Wing Public Affairs
Editor's Note: This article is completely fictional and written in the spirit of the Halloween holiday. Again, the article below is false.

After what first appeared to be an increase in cases of the common cold during the change of season, health officials declared that is not the case. Officials stated Oct. 27 people are becoming infected with countless strains of vicious viruses.

"This outbreak has been exceptionally fierce. Current estimates indicate an 80 percent infection rate, meaning approximately four out of five people will become infected. Of those 80 percent, there is a 50 percent mortality rate, with the remaining 50 percent turning into what we now commonly refer to as zombies," explained Dr. Hubert A. Bumquist, chief advisor at the Center of Apocalypse Prevention and Recovery and author of 13 Steps to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, How to Train Your Zombie, and Reasons to Zombie Proof your House. "The 20 percent of individuals with immunity is likely due to a hereditary trait which the (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and scientists hope to soon discover. This should provide the means to determine a way to test the rest of the population for immunity and develop a cure."

Doctors realized the rarity and severity of the virus when infected patients began showing symptoms far more troubling than the common cold. The virus's intensity has overwhelmed the bioenvironmental engineering flight, and base leadership is currently encouraging defense against those infected until a cure is found. The medical group is working with the CAPR and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to determine a cause and develop a vaccine.

"With an incubation period of a mere 24 hours, it was nearly impossible to identify the problem before if got out of control. Symptoms become exponentially worse after the first 12 hours to the point where the subject is unable to perform basic motor functions," said Bumquist. "We have yet to determine the cause of the outbreak. Special teams are on the hunt for the individual who first contracted the virus; but with such a high infection rate, pinpointing the original virus host is going to take time."

With all the zombie movie hype in recent years, many people thought the epidemic to be a hoax. It is true, however, that fellow members of Team Incirlik are turning to blood-thirsty, malevolent creatures. Base leadership changed their casualty tracker from counting the dead, injured and missing, or D-I-M count, to the modified D-U-M count for tracking the dead, undead and missing. As of posting time, the D-U-M count was 39 dead, 127 undead and 143 missing.

The local emergency response team is preparing a people tracker and phone hotline for concerned family members and friends to call. Conducting personal search-and-rescue operations for loved ones is not advised.

The CDC recommends searching your household to gather items for an emergency to include, "water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp." The center also suggests people "pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home (and to) plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won't stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don't have a chance.

Evacuation zones are being set up by the CDC with the assistance of the military. Announcements will be made over all medium- and short-wave radios identifying locations.

Documents required at the evacuation zone include the following:

- Birth certificate
- Photo of first attempt at riding a bicycle
- Dental records
- Drivers license
- Receipt from recent purchase at The Exchange

When evacuating, plan multiple routes and meeting points in case your group is separated, and avoid zombies as much as possible. Preventative and protective measures are recommended to ensure your own safety, as well as that of your family and friends. It is advised that people exercise extreme caution while traveling to evacuation zones as zombies discovered the rush of people to these sites provides bounteous meal options.

"They seem to be attracted to loud noises, quick movements and bright lights. They tend to remain in groups and appear quite docile until alerted. These zombies are agile, quick and tireless. The best way to avoid them is to remain quiet, stay low and keep out of sight," Bumquist advised. "They are resistant to trauma with the exception of the head. Blunt force or ballistic trauma to the head to affect the central nervous system is the most effective way to eliminate the zombie threat.

"Close-quarters weapons will prove to be the most efficient. Recommended weapons include shotguns, hand guns or, my personal favorite, a baseball bat," he said.

Also effective are nun chucks, gardening tools, forks and knives, chain saws, hockey sticks and Chuck Norris.

As to the end of this zombie apocalypse, Bumquist said, "it could be tomorrow or it could be a year from now before we are able to produce a vaccine. In the meantime, keep what you hold dear safe, plan for the worst, remain vigilant and do not lose hope."

(Information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was used in this article, as well as the creativity of Tech. Sgt. Michael Keller and Senior Airman Andy Valyo. A special thank you to the following for participation in the zombie apocalypse photo shoot: Tech. Sgt. Jason Hewitt, Tech. Sgt. Chayla Harrison, Tech. Sgt. Travis Yates, Staff Sgt. Charles Frady, Staff Sgt. Jazzmine Van Winkle, Senior Airman Kevin Platt, Senior Airman Allen Johnson, Senior Airman William O'Brien, Senior Airman Clay Lenhardt.)