2012 brings first casualty-free Paddy's Day

  • Published
  • By Staff Sgt. Kali L. Gradishar
  • 39th Air Base Wing Public Affairs
For the first time since humans discovered the existence of leprechauns and records were first kept, no wee little green men were injured in celebrations of St. Patrick's Day.

As the clock neared midnight March 17, emotions were tense as leprechauns waited in angst to hear of any fallen or injured brethren, but no such news was heard. While there were numerous close calls - near captures, attempts at rainbow tampering and clever traps - no leprechauns were actually harmed.

"In all me years I been alive I'd ne'er thought I see the ole Paddy's Day when a feller o' mine wouldn' fall to tha fangs o' a child's perilous traps or the hands o' tha well-oiled lushes celebratin' the 'oliday," said Shane O'Shanahan, president of the Leprechauns against Humans Celebrating St. Patrick's Day organization.

O'Shanahan founded LAHCSPD in 1948 after President Harry Truman became the first U.S. president to attend a St. Patrick's Day Parade, which was held in New York City. The attendance of the president at such an event bolstered interest in the holiday.

Leprechaun interest in the LAHCSPD grew in 1995 when the Irish government accepted the worldwide desire to celebrate St. Patrick's Day in inebriation and opened the country's pubs on March 17. Pubs were previously not allowed to open on the day to honor the traditionally religious day honoring St. Patrick's death.

As interest in celebrating St. Patrick's Day reached new heights, not only did the smashed adult citizens pose a risk to leprechauns, but human children also create cause for alarm as parents and teachers discovered the fun in creating leprechaun traps.

In early March, parents and their children gather at the craft table and teachers join their students in making Leprechaun traps. In the mindset that such arts and crafts are just a fun activity to enjoy with young ones, no one ever seems to be concerned with the feelings of those they try to trap - the leprechauns.

"They think it's all fun an' games. They think we don' exist," said Chloe O'Hoolihan, author of the esteemed survival guide "And You Thought the Zombie Apocalypse was Bad: A Lesson in Surviving St. Patrick's Day as a Leprechaun," and LAHCSPD vice president.

"Now, e'ry year is the same old story. I ride me rainbows with me shimmerin' gold all year long until this day come along. Ye think eventually I'd 'ave me some peace an' quiet, but nay. The little fellers be tryin' ta trap us all," said O'Hoolihan.

In a recent Humans for Leprechaun Rights Organization survey, more than 80 percent of survey participants revealed a disbelief in the mischievous little elves. Such false beliefs contribute to leprechaun injustices.

"I's a cryin' shame for 'em ta believe there's no such thing as leprechauns," O'Shanahan stated. "We're people, sorta, an' we 'ave feelin's, too."

Editors Note: This is a fictional news story written in the spirit and jest of the holiday.