The Misadventures of Airman Snuffy McDufflebag and Master Sgt. Johnny Mentor

  • Published
  • By Staff Sgt. Oshawn Jefferson
  • 39th Air Base Wing Public Affairs
I got a new motto for you, "CAC cards - Don't leave home without them." Let that soak in for a second. Then replace CAC cards with gate passes, blue books, passports and any other official documents you have to keep up with at the 'Lik.' 

Before I get started, I do have a question. Why do we call them CAC cards? I mean, CAC stands for common access card. Then why do we say CAC card? So, we are actually saying common access card card. Does that make any sense? It's just your CAC or your CA card. Say it like a crow "Ka Kawd!" Anyway - I digress! 

So far this year, Incirlik team members have lost 97 common access cards and 53 gate passes. I found this out after talking to my good friend Master Sgt. Johnny Mentor. It seems Airman Snuffy McDufflebag had a lot of fun this weekend learning how important it is to keep up with your gate pass and CAC. He learned the only way habitual line steppers and people who show up to Mike Tyson's house with barbeque sauce on their ears do - the hard way! 

Anyway, for some Airman at the 'Lik' Aug. 18 to Aug. 21 was a three-day weekend. Airman McDufflebag was one of those fortunate people who got a chance to take a day and enjoy himself. 

Snuffy was exited about the chance to get away from the base and relax a little bit, so he called his friends, Dennis "Forgets" Burntham and Jimmy "Motor Boat" Brown, and they decided to go to Kizkalesi for the weekend. He couldn't wait to get away, sip some cherry wine at the beach and look for a new lady to replace his ex-girlfriend Inya Pockets. 

Snuffy came to Sergeant Mentor and told him of his weekend plans. Sergeant Mentor gave Snuffy a safety briefing and told him to make sure he took the proper documents with him. He said to take his CAC, because he should have it with him at all times and he reminded him to have his gate pass so he could get on and off base. Sergent Mentor said to take his blue book just in case he had to communicate with Turkish authorities and also to take a list of important phone numbers (first shirt, supervisor, security forces, ect ...) in case of an emergency. 

Sergeant Mentor then told Snuffy, "Look at me McDufflebag, right in the eye, for the love of God, do not mess this up or the next time you see any part of Turkey other than the base will be on your flight out of here!" 

Snuffy couldn't wait to get back to his room and pack. He decided since his good buddy "Forgets" Burntham was driving he would not need his blue book. "I mean, why do all of us need to bring that book and phone numbers, if one of us has it, it's enough," he thought. 

Snuffy then went over to the BX to pick up a sequin Super Bowl XXXIX Philadelphia Eagles thong signed by Peyton Manning. They were 80 percent off since they were misprints (Manning plays for the Indianapolis Colts, some guys will do anything to be a part of a Super Bowl) and Snuffy was happy to get an outfit with his favorite team and player at the same time. 

Snuffy pulled out his CAC while purchasing the man thong and realized he was hungry. Snuffy grabbed his tray and sat down in the food court to enjoy his beef chimichanga from Taco Bell, he placed his CAC on the tray because he had his BX purchase in his other hand. As Snuffy enjoyed his meal and showed off his new prized possession to passers by, he lost track of time. "Aw, man I got to go!" he said as he hurried to dispose of the tray, chimichanga wrapper, medium Sierra Mist, used napkins and CAC, all down the trash. How could Snuffy be so careless? Why would any man buy a sequin thong? I mean how could he forget his CAC on a tray. 

Snuffy then met up with Airmen Burntham and Brown and headed off to the Kiz. They all showed their gate passes at the entry control point and headed off. 

Snuffy couldn't wait to get into his new beach gear; he wrapped his wallet in his towel, slapped on some Banana Boat tanning oil, new thong and headed for a lounge chair. "This is the life he thought." After falling asleep from drinking 12 glasses of cherry wine, Snuffy woke up dazed and sun burned. He told his friends he had a headache and was headed back to the room, but when he went to look for his towel it was gone. 

Snuffy asked his friends if they had their towels stolen too, but Airman Brown reminded Snuffy that the theft of his wallet was probably more important. All the Airmen asked each other if they had brought their blue books and important numbers, but all of them assumed the other had it. Birds of a feather ... 

Robbed and out of money, the Airmen decided to take Snuffy back to the base. The gate guards refused to let Snuffy on because he did not have a gate pass or CAC. The guards called Snuffy's first shirt and the shirt had Sergeant Mentor come pick him up.
Snuffy was able to fill the proper paperwork and get a new CAC and gate pass, but he and I learned a valuable lesson! 

Safeguarding and taking your important documents wherever you go is imperative to keeping yourself and everyone at Incirlik safe. Not only does not having those documents affect you personal readiness, but if they fall into the wrong hands they can affect the safety of the base populace. 

Bottom line, be responsible and alert when it comes to your personal documents. Snuffy might be a habitual line stepper who had humorous misadventures, but there are other habitual line steppers who would love to do us harm and hamper us "ensuring freedom's future." I might have learned an important lesson, but Snuffy, we know he will be at it again.