Metallica Shenanigans

  • Published
  • By Col. "Tip" Stinnette
  • 39th Air Base Wing commander
According to the Commissioner-In-Charge, Robert was found in a pickup truck on top of Ormond at the bottom of a 23-foot drop. Ormond was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his rear. He was stabbed and his pants were in a tree 15 feet above him.

Apparently, Robert, 24, and Ormond, 27, had tried to get tickets to a Metallica concert. When they were unable to get any tickets for the sold-out concert, the two decided to stay in the parking lot and down a few brews. Eighteen beers later they hit upon the idea of scaling the seven-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the concert and sneaking in. They moved their truck up to the edge of the fence and Ormond went over first without realizing there was a 23-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Ormond, who weighed 255 pounds and was quite inebriated, fell about half the distance before a large tree branch broke his fall and his left forearm. He also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was in great pain and had no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided to cut his shorts off and fall to the bushes below.

As soon as Ormond cut the last bit of fabric holding him on the branch, he plummeted the rest of the way down, losing the grip on his knife. The bushes he had depended on to break his fall were actually holly bushes and he had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch effectively impaling himself in the rear. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 feet up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Remember Robert? Well Robert, seeing his friend was in trouble, lowered a rope to his friend and tried to pull him up. But Robert weighed 100 pounds less than Ormond and didn't make much progress.

So Robert decided to tie the rope to the rear of his truck and pull Ormond out. Unfortunately, because of his drunken state, Robert put the truck in reverse rather than drive. And that is how Ormond was found with a stick up his rear, a knife in his thigh, and a truck on top of him.

Catch and release, that is what our law enforcement guys and gals generally do on Friday and Saturday evenings. However, every now and then we have some persistent Roberts and Ormonds out there that need to be protected from themselves. Throw our law enforcement team a bone and follow their direction when caught and released. Otherwise you will face one of two other options ... catch and retain, or a stick in the wrong place with a truck on top of you ... making it hard to ensure freedom's future.