The Misadventures of Airman Snuffy McDufflebag

  • Published
  • By Staff Sgt. Oshawn Jefferson
  • 39th Air Base Wing Public Affairs
INCIRLIK AIR BASE, Turkey --  I know it's been a while, but things have been crazy around here. First the Dallas Cowboys benched Drew Bledsoe, yea, but then we lost to the Washington Redskins last week on a fluke play, boo. If you voted, the Democrats are back in power in the House of Representatives and had to take Virginia and Montana to win the Senate - they succeeded. Also, Joey Lawrence, Mario Lopez, and Emmitt Smith are the people left twinkling their toes on "Dancing with the Stars." Again I don't watch that show, I'm a man! But Emmitt is a Dallas Cowboy so dance for your people No.22. Anyway, I digress.

I saw Master Sgt. Johnny Mentor stretching out for a run around the triangle Nov. 10. I had not seen him in a while and I was wondering how he was doing. I walked up to him and he asked me how I assess risks. It was a weird question, but I thought I would give it a shot.

I told him on days when we have to run I usually don't eat spicy food. While I enjoy it thoroughly, I don't like to be caught at the stop sign running around the triangle wondering how I am going to keep the flood gates locked until I find a restroom. Spicy food doesn't like me, although I like it.

Sergeant Mentor cut me off right there, since he had a clear picture of what I was talking about. He said, "I wish I could get my Airmen to assess a risk, note the dangers and make the right choices, but my habitual-line stepping Airman is at it again."

I couldn't believe it. I didn't even know Snuffy was out of detox. So I asked Sergeant Mentor what our favorite Airman was up to now.

He asked me if I read the blotter in the Nov. 10, Tip of the Sword, I told him no, because I usually get my news from Incirlik Now. He said, "well anyway the blotter entry is about Airman McDufflebag."

Sergeant Mentor told me that because of increased complaints, the Turkish Jandarma will start enforcing drunk and disorderly and disturbing the peace violations in the Alley.

He said that basically the 10th Tanker commander had received numerous complaints about some of our Airmen's conduct in the Alley. He said these complaints are regarding U.S. servicemembers, returning from the bars at night being loud outside; in particular, on their way back to base.

He added under the new rules people considered drunk and disorderly and/or disturbing the peace will be arrested and taken to the Jandarma Station in the Alley and held in detox and violators will be fined 130 Turkish Lira for each offense. They will and have 15 days to pay the fine. If the fine is not paid within the time period, the violator will spend one day in jail for every 10 Lira owed.

Apparently Snuffy got out of detox Nov. 8, he had been there for almost three weeks, because he kept taking those aspirins his friend gave him for his headache as we know those turned out to be ecstasy, so Snuffy kept getting himself high over and over again. It took them a week to figure out what was going on.

Anyway, Snuffy went out to celebrate his release with a few drinks in the Alley. He was still kind of embarrassed about the whole ecstasy situation that he decided to go without a Wingman. Bad choice!

Airman Mcdufflebag drank until he was feeling pretty good and thought that he should get home because he had a boots and utes run in the morning. Anyway I guess he was overjoyed by the fact that he was no longer in detox that he began singing "I'm walking on Sunshine," at the top of his lungs.

The loudness of his voice coupled with the fact that Snuffy should not be singing solos. He should be only singing so low that nobody can hear him, because he sounds like Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem at a New Jersey Nets basketball game. (If you don't know about that, ask a sports fan over 30.) With a song in his heart and bladder full of mead he decided to relieve himself on the streets of the Alley - Bad move.

Jandarma recognized Snuffy from earlier incidents and knew what he looks like when he gets inebriated. Airman McDufflebag was arrested and is back in detox, but this time in a Turkish jail. Sergeant Mentor said Snuffy called him and said some guy name John Darma took him to jail. But Sergeant Mentor said he was going to get him, but decided that he wanted to enjoy his Veterans Day weekend. Plus, he could rest easier because he already knew where Snuffy was - safe in a Turkish jail and out of trouble for the rest of the weekend.

I just laughed. I guess when it comes to assessing risk and having a Wingman we all can learn from this lesson. Snuff really knows how to smurf it up. I know I took down my notes and remembered what I need to do to stay out of trouble. Let's just hope Snuffy does too, but we all know that he is a habitual line-stepper and he'll be at it again.