Keepin' it Reel: G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

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INCIRLIK AIR BASE, Turkey --  Synopsis: An elite multi-national military unit operates out of a secret underground base defending the world against a sadistic arms dealer. This is a live action version of the popular 1980s cartoon. 

They call me Roy
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Nausea 

First off, let me just say that ninjas are cool. They were at the height of their coolness while I was growing up and I'm excited to see them making a comeback. Unfortunately, that's where the coolness ends with G.I. Joe. One word comes to mind with this movie, "cliché." 

Frankly, I was sorely disappointed when I saw this movie. Being a child of the 80s, I was very excited to see them coming out with a live action version. But now, I just wish the script got lost in the mail. 

Actually, maybe it wasn't the script, but the poor execution from the actors. I think Channing Tatum, playing the lead character Duke, was half asleep during this movie; even during the high action sequences. Even Dennis Quaid, who I generally think of as a good actor, really missed the mark. It seems like they spent so much time on the ridiculous action scenes than they did on making sure the actors were earning their pay checks. 

I had an easier time believing alien robots had really come to earth to save humanity than I did believing there's a secret human military organization fighting to save the world. That's kind of sad. Overall, don't bother. Don't even rent it! That's hard for me to say, but it's true. 

Ice Queen
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra -- and the decline of my brain cells 

Let's premise this with I have never watched the cartoon or played with G.I. Joes, on the other hand I never grew up on Transformers, Superman or Spiderman (I was sheltered) and I liked those movies. However, the name or franchise itself cannot save this film.
Over the years my understanding of the formula for action movies are as follows: Lead male fights nemesis, which normally includes a female that wears skin tight clothing, while surviving all sick action scenes, with a side kick who takes the brunt of all the injuries and provides the comedic relief so the main superhero can save the world and get the girl. Transformers for example had the right ingredients and used the measurements correctly whereas G.I. Joe had the ingredients and couldn't figure out how to put them together. The story line flowed well; however, it was the execution by the actors that let it fall short. Not even the addition of such eye candy of Karolina Kurkova, Victoria's Secret model, could save this over-cooked recipe of disaster. I hope Channing Tatum's new marriage to Step Up co-star is more successful than this movie ... or his career. 

Overall for me this was a great date movie as it got me to rest my head on my significant other's shoulder since I was failing at keeping my head upright and my eyes open. 

Narghile Nightingale
G.I. Joe: Rise, crash and burn of a franchise

Unfortunately, I didn't play G.I. Joe's as a kid, nor did I read the comics, so I found this movie really hard to get into. G.I. Joe -AKA- Duke -AKA- Channing Tatum didn't seem as much as a hero to me, the entire plot was based on him winning the heart of his brainwashed ex-fiancé, played by Sienna Miller, who he had completely screwed over years before. The whole thing was as painful to watch as Jude Law prancing around with his nanny. In the end, the whole thing would have been more interesting if I went down the rabbit hole, took the blue pill and became a 10-year old. The graphics would have been more interesting and I wouldn't have minded explosions every five seconds. According to Web sites, G.I. Joe cost a hefty $175 million to produce and $150 million to market and distribute; and as of Sept. 9, had only brought in $56 million. Looks to me like "Rise of the Cobra" should be called "The Rise, crash and burn in a fiery death of Cobra."

The Dexter
Now I know, and knowing made me angy

So now I know G.I. Joe: the Rise of the Cobra is about as uncomfortable to sit through as running the Triangle during PT with a bad case of the trots -- and knowing is half the battle. At first, I wanted the give the movie a little slack, since I was the last to view it and had to listen to my coworkers rant and rave about it for their individual reviews. So naturally, I sat myself down to watch this with an open, unprejudiced outlook. The first flag went up when I saw Channing Tatum, the tall dancing underwear model, as the main character Duke. Second flag? When I realized that the characters stopped about every five minutes to discuss their feelings. Yes, it's true. And you know I don't mind if something blows up every other five minutes to make up for the sensual stuff, just so long as I'm given a reason to care why something is blowing up every five minutes. Honestly, the story line wasn't all too horrible as I'm thinking about it hours afterward; it's just the oddly matched actors and Victoria Secret model that really threw me off. I mean, let's just throw Paris Hilton into the mix. Need I say more? I really don't think G.I. Joe could really ever be killed by critics, simply because I believe it was already dead. 

So in the end, there are some legitimate nitpicks, but this flick is too enthusiastically over-caffeinated to warrant much anger. Though, had I of known then what I know now, I would have had my pitch fork ready for the mob bust at opening night.

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