The Misadventures of Airman Snuffy McDufflebag and Master Sgt. Johnny Mentor

INCIRLIK AIR BASE, Turkey -- What a wild week! Let's see, the Air Force turned 59 Monday, hawks attacked more than 100 people in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, my Dallas Cowboys improved to 1-1, (did you see that Eagles game), and my wife celebrated the Michigan Wolverines 47-21 thrashing of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. (she was born in Ann Arbor, Mich.) 

While all that is interesting news, nothing compares to what I found out about our pal Airman Snuffy McDufflebag. I probably shouldn't even be telling you guys all his business like this, but when my good pal Master Sgt. Johnny Mentor told me this story, I just couldn't contain it. 

Apparently Snuffy asked Sergeant Mentor if they could take some time and talk about some emotional distresses from his past and present that he needed to get off his chest. Sergeant Mentor, wanting to help Snuffy, went ahead and set up an informal counseling session so he and Snuffy could get together and talk. 

It seems that Snuffy comes from a family of habitual line steppers and he was wondering if that might be the root of all his problems. After the stories Sergeant Mentor told me, I think Snuffy might not be that bad or maybe he and his entire family are crazy -- You decide. 

Snuffy said when he was growing up he would sometimes visit his Uncle Leroy "Rare Meats" Jenkins and they would go koala bear hunting in Australia. Snuffy said, "My Uncle would eat spicy KB nuggets with Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Wing sauces. He said nothing tasted better on endangered species than endangered hot sauce." Snuffy said they would eat koala bears all summer -- apparently they taste like fried California Condor burgers. Only a habitual line stepper like Snuffy would know something like that. 

Snuffy then told Sergeant Mentor that as a preteen his mother and father were tired of the cheap, personally made birthday and Christmas gifts he, his brother and sister would get them every year. His father insisted that the children make some money to help buy better gifts for him and his wife. So his father would take Snuffy and his brother out every Halloween to rob little children of their goody bags. They would then sell the candy to their school friends for a profit. Snuffy said they would make about $5,000 between November and December, but his dad would just take all the money. Snuffy said his dad used the money to start a company and now his dad's candy stores are in almost every mall in the U.S. and Canada. His dad hired teenagers across America to rob children of their goody bags at Halloween to keep the stores supplied. Man, that guy has to be the king of the habitual line steppers. 

Snuffy admitted he and his cousin Vinny tried to make money dancing online using the names "Nighttrain" and "Bunz of Stillskin." He said he films the session in his dorm room and for $1.99 he dances for 10 minutes. Snuffy said he has yet to make $10 bucks with the business, but he hoped to start a franchise one day. 

At that point Sergeant Mentor stopped him in mid sentence; he didn't want to hear anymore. He told Snuffy that if he ever wanted to talk again that he should call 676-6441 and seek a chaplain if he ever felt the need to share his emotional distresses. 

Just think, if Snuffy had called a chaplain there would have been 100 percent confidentiality and his private stories wouldn't be in the Tip of the Sword. The chaplains would have also provided guidance and a word of encouragement to help Snuffy with his problems. 

Man, if chaplains have to hear stories like Snuffy's and they still feel it in their heart to help, they must be some patient, kind and loving folks. 

I have a new outlook on Snuffy and I learned some things I may want to talk about that may be better suited for a chaplain. Even habitual line steppers need someone to listen to them. So thank God for chaplains. Hopefully Snuffy gets the help he needs, but we all know it can only take a miracle from above to keep Snuffy from his crazy antics again.