Flame-Shooting Karaoke Singers

  • Published
  • By Col. "Tip" Stinnette
  • 39th Air Base Wing commander
I had never heard of hydrogen beer until I read this account. Apparently there is a three-way lawsuit between an unemployed stockbroker, a bar, and a beer company. The unemployed stockbroker is suing the bar and brewery for selling toxic beer and claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.

The beer company brews its beer and replaces the carbon dioxide, normally used to add fizz, with environmentally-friendly hydrogen gas. The side effects of the hydrogen gas have made the beer very popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.

The first side effect is that non-toxic gas produces an uncharacteristically high voice allowing chic urbanites to sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of the hydrogen beer. The second side effect is the flammable nature of hydrogen. The beer has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Combined, the two effects produce high-singing, flame-shooting karaoke singers. At any rate, the bar decided to have a karaoke contest and our tone-deaf, intrepid stockbroker entered the contest. When it became apparent he would not win the contest with his voice, he drank 15 bottles of hydrogen beer and catapulted balls of fire across the room that Godzilla would be proud of ... He ended up losing the contest since it was largely based upon singing ability, at which point he started belching blue fireballs at the judges. When approached by the security staff, he started belching flames at them so they rushed him and knocked him over. As he hit the ground he swallowed his cigarette while belching yet another ball of flame. The subsequent internal combustion resulted in the rupture of his stomach lining and third-degree burns to his esophagus, larynx, and sinus as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body.

Things that make you go "hmmm," suing others for your own stupidity. Personal accountability ... now there's a new thought. Where was the Wingman, was the flight-lead engaged, did the unit commander have a safety briefing ... all reasonable questions following an alcohol related incident, but starkly absent from the litany of after action questions is the one that strikes closest to home ... what caused the individual to go "dumb?" I am reminded of the statement, 'It's the economy, stupid' during an election run-up in response to the question 'why did the contender lose?' In our case, 'It's the alcohol, stupid.' Drinking hydrogen beer and belching flames ... stupid is as stupid does and neither is compatible with ensuring freedom's future.